My Husband - My Redeemer

Hey Covenant Groupies,

Kevin and I saw something this weekend that blew our minds; more Kevin than me. We saw a husband miss the opportunity to be his wife's hero; her redeemer. She had a small request, but he just didnt seem to get it. Kevin couldn't, for the life of him, understand the husbands delay in coming to his wife's rescue.

I'm currently re-reading Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Women's Soul by John and Staci Eldredge. It talks about a woman's desire to be rescued, pursued and redeemed by a hero; her man. As well, how society has successfully made women feel bad about this need, but it's been imparted to us by God and can't be helped. So, I totally got his rant. This wife's need was simple, but it could have made a huge difference in their marriage had her husband answered her call. Of course, our merciful God will give him plenty of other opportunities to fulfill His daughters' need. But, this weekend, I guess it bothered Kevin to know this wife did not experience the sacrifice of a hero.

I know for sure, because I was on of those women who'd been convinced that i wasnt supposed to need a man. that is until my husband had become the first man to rescue me. It was one of the most remarkable feelings ever!!!!! So, as I watched this exchange between this man and woman, it brought to mind some of the times Kevin has protected me. At the same time God brought to my mind a more recent time he did it again that I had forgotten and probably didn't even thank him for.

A couple of weeks back we were in an elevator with two other female friends and in an instant a few intoxicated men and women came on as well. They were loud and one of them became obscene with my friends balloons; at which point Kevin sternly moved him away. He was also unstable on his feet and he was moving a little too close to our friends and me. Again Kevin, moved him and told him why he was being moved. This could have turned into a crazy incident, but Kevin was relentless in his efforts to protect us.

In my eyes this was dangerous, but in his he was doing exactly what he was supposed to do, as a man. Additiionally, my friends couldn't stop talking about Kevin's nerve and bravery to almost seemlessly step in on their behalf as well as mine.

I know it blows my mind each time he does that directly for me, but for other women to feel protected by my husband, shows me just how sacrificial he really is. You just got to love that.

OK, off to thank my husband; my redeemer.

share your thoughts.

Covenant Marriage: A Serious Series #5

Hey Covenant Groupies,

I know many of us have, either seen, heard of or read Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages." How do I know that, because well over 2,000,000 copies have been sold, thats how LOL! LOL! For those of you who haven't encountered this book, it looks at how we should express love to to our spouse based on their personal love language.

Love languages can range from: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. Finding out your spouses love language prevents you from loving your spouse in a way they don't understand or cannot receive.

As Pastor Michael Cooper closes out his sermon series, he and his wife discusses "The Five Love Languages."

Take time to learn your spouse's love language and your own love language, love that way and see what happens.

http://vimeo.com/9991659

Covenant Marriage: A Serious Series #4

Hey Covenant Groupies,

Today Pastor Michael Cooper will be discussing "Investing Our Lives" in our marriages. It's unfortunate to some and great for others but, you can truly tell what someone values by the investment they put into it. Time with others or with you, words of encouragement shared with others or with you, bestowing love and respect on others or on you, energy on others or on you. You follow where we're going, right?

We invest in stock for future sake, we invest in our children for legacy sake, we invest in our cars in order to keep moving and to be safe, as well we need to question what we invest into our marriages and our spouses.

There's nothing more meaningful than for the person your with to feel valued; to know that you are invested and investing in them. When you do that, your spouse knows that they matter because of all the things in life that we can recoupe, we can never get back time. Investing in anything is about time, energy, love and sometimes money that's why it must be spent intentionally and lovingly. Ultimately, you want to see a return on your investment, right?

Check out the video.

http://vimeo.com/8955512

QUESTION OF THE DAY!

Hey Covenant Groupies,

Yestesday, I had the awesome pleasure to attend the press conference for Tyler Perry's new film, Why Did I Get Married, Too? and to interview some of the cast members. To my great surprise, I sat with Richard T. Jones (Why Did I Get Married, Why Did I Get Married, Too, Judging Amy, The Wood) and was blown away by his passion, respect and transparency for God and marriage - you'll be able to hear the interview next week on GospelCity.com.

We discussed everything from forgiveness in marriage to divorce never being an option in a godly marriage. I thought I was sold out for God, my husband and marriage, but this brother could have gone on all day about God and Marriage, had we not had a time limit to sit and talk. I guess this is why I'm so excited about the QOTD today.

During our interview/conversation; especially about divorce, I could clearly recall the many days, during the beginning of our marriage, when all Kevin and I talked about was divorce. We had absolutely no clue how to be the couple God was calling us to be. Everything seemed so hard, expectations were too much, everything in the marriage seemed uneven, sacrificing was far too painful and oftentimes seemed unfair. You know what I mean.

So, after about two years we wised up and decided that divorce was going to be taken off of table completely and that it was NEVER to be spoken about or optional again.

Groupies, is divorce an option in your marriage this day or have you taken off of the table as a possible out?

Friday Date Night - Ministry & Basketball

Hey Covenant Groupies,


So, this past Friday, Kevin and I had a great date night. I wanted to post it up on Saturday, but instead we decided to continue it on Saturday. As a publicist for many-many years, I have garnered so many great relationships and a great friend of mine (Saideh Browne) invited us to an event to support Breast Cancer Awareness at Madison Square Garden. Dah, a basketball game and a way to help others for the Glory of God? Heck yeah. Kevin and I love all sports and this would make for an amazing night.

While there, we learned about the Women’s Cancer Alliance and the many ways to support the organization, how to perform a self breast exam, what to ask at your next doctor’s visits, and how to cope with it, God forbid, should it visit your home. Please support this organization by visiting: www.womanscanceralliance.org.

We watched the Knicks beat the 76ers 92-88. Yeah we know the Knicks have been disappointing, but they pulled it out. It was so much fun!!!!!!

Something interesting happened this night while we were there. I was among some great women and, for a minute, got caught up with spending time with Kevin at the event instead of communing with the women. After about 20 minutes, I felt a nudge from the Lord to get up and chat with the ladies. We started talking about who we were and what we did. One lady asked a question about blogging which led to a marriage conversation. We discussed working and living with and praying for our husbands. I told her how difficult it was, initially, for Kevin and me to get acclimated to our environment of love, work, and home.

After which, she spoke to Kevin to better understand how to support her husband and we’ve committed to pray for her and her husband. I love that no matter where we go, God has work for us to do.

Then Saturday, we stayed in and just talked for hours about our marriage, other marriages, our ministry, our work, our family and s much more. It was a great ending to a date night.

Covenant Marriage: A Serious Series Part #3

Hey Covenant Groupies,

As you check out the Covenant Marriage sermon series by Pastor Cooper, please don't forget to write notes. He's sharing some really good stuff. If you know it then meditate on it. We must get the divorce rate down by operating as we should in our marriages. It's one thing to know it some of he key scriptures, but it's quite another to act upon it; to live it out in a very selfless and sacrificial way. Let's hold each other up!!!!

To our single followers, we pray that this series excites you all as well as prepares you for what God has in store for you.

ENJOY Part #3 - He Makes All Things New


http://vimeo.com/9629107

A Heart for Sandra Bullock - Marital Trust Betrayed

Hey Covenant Groupies,

I had to share this. At the Oscars and several days after, each media outlet talked about how Sandra Bullock thanked her husband; how she told Barbara Walters she could not have become who she is today without her husband Jesse James. Little did she know that, in less than two weeks, she'd learn some disturbing information about him. He's been having an affair for a little over a year.

Check out his response to her speech. Honest or Fake????

Covenant Marriage: A Serious Series Part #2

Hey Covenant Groupies,

If you visited us on Tuesday, we posted a part #1 of a 6 Part Covenant Marriage Series by Pastor Michael Cooper of Sonshine Christian Fellowship in Utah. In this episode, which happens to be Valentine's Day, they recommitted their wedding vows as a Covenant vows. We do this at this at our church. As promised, here is part #2

Enjoy!!!

http://vimeo.com/9451822

QUESTION OF THE DAY!

Hey Covenant Groupies,

Hopefully, you had an opportunity to view the video posted yesterday. I absolutely loved it. Part #2 will go up tomorrow. I must share that the one thing that I absolutely loved and that stood out to me while listening to the video was the fact that during his sermon series on the Covenant of Marriage, Pastor Michael Cooper had the youth present. You hear him talking to them and acknowledging their presence. At the same time he has them writing notes.

I couldn't help but think to myself, "How much of what these youth (teens and pre-teens) hear today, while at this church, will go against everything they currently know or have heard ot taught about marriage?"

Kevin and I watch closely what we say and do in the presence of children and teens, because we've recognized and totally acknowledged our responsibility for being "definers" (our word LOL!) in the lives of everyone, but especially the youth we encouter.

So, today's question is: If your children, nephews, nieces, or neighbor's children were asked, based on your marriage, what they believe about marriage or what marriage means to them, what would they say?

We're going to ask our nephew, nieces and children we know and post their responses. HUMMMMMMM!

Covenant Marriage: A Serious Series

Hey Covenant Groupies,

I think we're in for a treat. Kevin and I had a great topic to share today concerning some seriously intense fellowship (I.F.) we had on our way to church this past Sunday. We watched as God stepped in and showed us, once again, who He is. He totally got the glory, because, I had made up in my mind not to speak to Kevin because of his blatant disrespect - God had other plans in mind. Not only would I talk to him, but withn a few hours of our I.F., I desired to speak to him and then apologize.

I'll share that later this week. However, I just happened to stumble upon this new Covenant Marriage series from a Pastor in Utah. I believe it's 5 or 6 parts and we'll share all of them.

Here's part #1 - Click on the link

http://vimeo.com/9282398

Is My Marriage GOOD ENOUGH?: Realistic or Unrealistic?

Hey Covenant Groupies,

First, let me say that we pray that those of you in NY, NJ, and Connecticut are safe and in good health following our HUGE storm this past weekend. It was far worse than, I think, any of us thought it would be.

For those of you who know me, personally, you know that I love questions. Especially questions that foster self assessment; questions that make us look at ourselves much more than our spouses. I found this article that we believe sets a great tone for both newly married couples as well as seasoned couples in the areas of expectations, understanding, boredom and acceptance. The title alone says alot. It asks a question we hear so often as wives, especially, struggle for a sense of perfection in a relationship that will forever ONLY have one perfect person: God.

Share your thoughts.


Is Your Marriage Good Enough?

Are you expecting too much? Are you just "settling"? Author Ginger Tobias asks 10 pointed questions about the state of your union.

By Ginger Tobias

You don't need NFL training to hurl a pizza across a New York City apartment. I found this out as I ducked to avoid my husband's dinner (he didn't fling it at me, he claims). "They folded the slices," he bellowed. "Ruined." I bit my tongue hard — but not, unfortunately, before "Did you lose your nappies?" slipped out (nappies being what they call diapers in England, which is where he's from and where, at this point, I was wishing he had stayed). Big mistake. He went off like a car alarm, the honk-honk-beeeep-honk of his tirade so familiar, I'd long since learned to tune it out by doing guided imagery: Single Me with full custody of remote control. Single Me released from his rancid pessimism. Single Me without tomato and extra cheese dripping down my newly painted white (of course) wall.

Airborne pizza has a way of speed-dialing every doubt you've had about your marriage. And I expected such moments when I signed up. What has thrown me, however, is the drag of compromise, the extra weight of two lives trying to trundle forward together but instead holding each other back. After five years of gradually easing off good behavior, we're left with a nearly constant scrape of differences.

Freedom beckons intoxicatingly, but then I wonder if my expectations aren't unrealistic — whether I've got the makings of a good marriage but am foolishly holding out for perfect. Paul Amato, Ph.D., professor of sociology, demography, and family studies at Penn State, conducted a 20-year study on 2,000 subjects who started off married, and says 55 to 60 percent of divorcing couples discard unions with real potential. Most of these people say they continue to love their betrothed but are bored with the relationship or feel it hasn't lived up to their expectations. "It's important to recognize that many of these marriages would improve over time," Amato says, "and most of them could be strengthened through marital counseling and enrichment programs."

So how do you know if you have one of those fixable marriages? A place to start is with the work of British psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott, who lets women obsessed with being a perfect mother off the hook. According to him, the "good-enough mother" loves and cares for her child but, being imperfect, doesn't satisfy every need perfectly. While the baby may wish for better service, it's the ordinary mother's failures that prepare her child for life — motivating her to get what she needs for herself while teaching her to tolerate frustration.

Similarly, the idea of the good-enough marriage relieves couples of the pressure to have a perfect union, and the inherent disappointments and difficulties may spur them to evolve as individuals. Michele Weiner Davis, author of The Divorce Remedy (Simon & Schuster), offers herself as an example. "In the early years of my marriage, I envisioned our lives as being joined at the hip. He didn't," she says. "At first I was miserable, but then I started going places by myself and I became much more independent. I never, ever would have done that had it not been for his stubbornness."

But what is a good-enough marriage? Or, as Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After 40 (Renaissance), would have me ask: "Can I make my marriage good enough?" After interviewing several experts**, I've uncovered ten questions you can ask yourself to help clarify whether or not your relationship, albeit imperfect, is worth a good go:

1. Are you exaggerating the negatives? For the next two months mark the good and bad days on your calendar to get a reality check.

2. Have you already left the marriage by emotionally withdrawing? Or by giving up all attempts to make the relationship better? If so, can you find a way to reengage?

3. Do you get so angry that you hit each other or throw things at least once a month? If the answer is yes, are you hanging on to a terrible relationship because you're afraid of being alone? Or because you're convinced it's the best you can do?

4. If you're frustrated because your husband won't change (you'd like him to be more forceful or manly, for example), is it really necessary that he does? Is there anything in your family history that may be driving your need to transform him? (For example, perhaps your father never stood up for you when you needed him to do so.)

5. Have you been teaching your husband the wrong lessons by not challenging his hurtful behavior? (You don't say anything when he criticizes you in public. He never washes the dishes, so you just do them, resentfully.)

6. Do you have fun together? Even when things are tough, do you make jokes about it? (A good sign.) If not, can you make time in your marriage for more play?

7. Are there conflicts that you've avoided in the relationship? What do you fear would happen if you confronted them?

8. Do you simply need more time alone? A weekend on your own every so often to make the heart grow fonder?

9. Has something occurred — a death, a big birthday, a job loss — that's throwing off your relationship and needs to be addressed?

10. Have you done everything you possibly can to make this marriage work? Are you certain he has heard your complaints? Have you tried a marriage-education class or couples therapy? If he won't go to counseling, have you gone yourself to see how you might save the relationship?

While pondering these questions, I remembered — from somewhere deep — many of the delightful aspects of my marriage. (Did I mention that he surprises me with candlelit lavender baths and singing Chanukah mugs?) And we do talk and make up well.

For me the most clarity has come from thinking of marriage not as a noun, or a state of being, but as a verb, as in what "I do" (you say those two words for a reason), and therefore something I can do better. So rather than hang my marriage on the clearance rack, as I fear I've done, I vow to try to understand — even appreciate — his faults, er, growth opportunities. You know, I always wanted a red apartment, and just think: pizza-proof.

QUESTION OF THE DAY! - Honoring God, Your Spouse and Your Marriage During Conflict

Hey Covenant Groupies,

Ok, so we switched the QOD from yesterday to today so that we could post the story of the world's longest married couple. So, on to today.

For a while, Kevin and I had often found, not only with ourselves, but with other couples, that we would disassociate honoring God, our spouse and our Marriage in how we handled conflict in order to make our point. It never amounted to reconciliation, just more arguing. The longer we we've been married, peace has defnitely overriden point-making sgnificantly. We do, however, slip back into some old habits when it's really deep.

We talked about this briefly last week at our Love Dare workshop. We studied Hebrews 13:4 as a guide to practical ways to esteem and highly value our marriage.

So, the QOD is: How do you handle conflict in your marriage? Do you escape, deny, become brutally honesty, spew angry attacks, surrender, offer loving acceptance, become sarcastic, resort to substance abuse, welcome long talks or offer a humble apology?

Marital Bliss - Quality vs. Quantity

Hey Covenant Groupies,

As you all know, today is QUESTION OF THE DAY! Wednesday, but I found this story this morning and thought it was worth posting.

World’s Longest-Married Couple to Answer Your Romantic Queries Via Twitter

If Dear Abby and your therapist just aren’t cutting it this Valentine’s Day, you can tweet at the world’s longest-married (living) couple, Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher, for the scoop on how to score and sustain love.

That’s right, while some of the older set just can’t wrap their heads around Twitter() (unless it’s connected to a fax machine), the Fishers will be all up on the microblogging site this V-Day, dispensing pearls of wisdom to the younger set (for whom the sanctity of marriage has already been destroyed by Facebook). The whole project was dreamed up by blinkbox, which is an on-demand movie and TV website in the UK.

Herbert and Zelmyra — who were married in 1924 and are 104 and 102 years old respectively — are inviting us romantically bankrupt miscreants to visit their Twitter page, @longestmarried, from today until February 12. Simply tweet your question to the pair, who will select 14 questions that they will then answer on February 14.

The couple, who enjoy hanging on their front porch, watching trains pass by, counting cars and talking to their neighbors, are apparently the model of wedded bliss. They each have their own bedroom — so Herbert can stay up late watching baseball. Well, I guess distance does makes the heart grow fonder.

I so have an issue with the seperate bedrooms, but what else this article fails to share is that this couple, each Sunday morning, literally head in opposite directions when it comes to church. She's Baptist and He's Methodist. Yeah, this really bothered me. I love the fact that they've been married for such a long time, but I'm curious about how they really GET ALONG!!!!!

Marriage is God's Holy Covenant, His Bible is the TRUTH of life. Marriage is by His book. we're not called to be seperate; especially in our practice of faith. It's that simple. As an ex-Baptist, so was my Grandmother, marriage didn't have the same significance as it has in the Christian faith, because of the liberal interpretation allowed in the Baptist church. Then when it comes to Methodist, I'm not so sure of their interpretation.

Anyhoo, I still have questions about the truth of their marriage. Simply because marrige is not about quantity, but quality, correct? It's not the length of time youve been married, but what has transpired, changed and then transformed you in the marrriage; whether 1 year or 70 years.

Marriage Ref - A Big Joke - NOT FUNNY!!

Hey Covenant Groupies,

I did it ya'll. I watched the "Marriage Ref." I know, I know. What was I thinking right? When I was emailed the casting information last year, I had already resigned myself to not watch it. The synopsis was lackluster to me. Well, I broke down last week and watched it.

The first thing that bothered me was how in the introduction, the host makes the statement, "We're giving married couples what they've always wanted, A WINNER!" A What???? My thought was then, "If there's a winner, then obviously, then there would have to be a loser in the marriage, correct? Who wants to be looked at, feel like or believe that they are the loser in the marital relationship?"

The second issue was how these couples submit their delicate turmoils to this show and each week three celebrities, this evening they were, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld (Executive Producer) and Eva Longoria Parker, decide who's point should win and who's should lose. Once these celebrities begin the decision making process, if they takes too long, the host, who also serves as the referee makes the final decision who the winner is while the other half of the married couple tries to figure out exactly why they're the winner.

People, this is not how God has ordained marriage to be. Romans 6:17-18 says, ...Now you are from sin, your old master and you have become slaves to your new master, righteousness."

For me, this show partly personifies whats wrong with marriage, both christian and non-Christian. 1) the issues are set aside and allowed to fester in a maranade of bitterness, anger, resentment, to name a few, 2)Someone's always fighting to be the winner whether intentionally or unintentionally, manipulation will prevail because people who want to be the winner will get there by any means necessary and 3) How sinful, that we, God's children have taken on this attitude His Covenant and exemplify this to the world - regularly!

I don't know about you, but although we have great fun in our marriage and find many opportunites to laugh at and with one another, our issues must be taken seriously and reconciled between God, us and outside help when and only if necessary.

Our Mouth and Our Heart – What a Pair!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Hey Covenant Groupies,

Ok, so as you all know, we had our 1st Love Dare workshop this past Friday. I said I would report on the evening, but unfortunately, I can’t. We signed a confidentiality agreement and I can’t share anything Kevin and I discovered without infringing on everyone else’s privacy. And you know I won’t do that! Sorry guys.

So, onward we go. During my morning reading, prayer and study this morning, I was impressed by the Holy sprit to take a look at three very powerful scriptures. I know it had a great deal with the fact that Kevin and I didn’t have such a great start heading out to church yesterday. I said something in jest(I thought it was rather funny) and because he wasn’t in a good mood, he nearly bit my head off. He was snappy and his tone was very rude. Well, I “snyped” right back at him and almost instantly, despite what he said, I didn’t like what I said. It wasn’t profane but it was disrespectful and my tone was cutting.

The Bible says in Proverbs 18:21 – “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof” – KJV. At that very moment I had an opportunity to offer Kevin life but, instead, I chose death. At least that’s how I see it. He’s my husband; I shouldn’t have tried to hurt him. Unfortunately, that’s just what misguided feelings and emotions do. In Romans 6:13 it says, “Do not let any part of your body become a tool of wickedness to be used for sinning. Instead give yourselves completely to God since you have been given a new life. And use your whole body as a tool to do what is right for the glory of God.”

Several years ago a very dear friend and client, comedian John Gray, used to use this simple phrase, “pitch and tone, pitch and tone.” It was funny, but very serious at the same time. That is often how comedians relay their truth, right? In this case, it was and is God’s truth. We must be careful how we speak and respond to people in, both our personal and professional lives. It didn’t take long to see that John was actually helping to ignite an attitude of life in our hearts and ultimately our mouths. Yesterday, his phrase rang very loud in my head.

Because Jeremiah 17:9-10 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who knows it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I try (test) the reins (mind) even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings (deeds)."

With all this said, I guess what I’m getting to is this; yesterday, I was totally out of order, my heart was very available and open for sinning and my mouth brought it all home. As powerful a pair as these two are is as dangerous a pair as well. We haven’t discussed the “incident” yet, but we have some down time tonight and so we may. But, after being together so long, we do know when we have intentionally and unintentionally hurt one another, so sometimes all we have to do is look one another in the eyes, share a kiss, hold hands and continue our walk together; that’s how we found peace in our yesterday.

Stay tuned.

Date Night - Spicing It Up!!!!

Hey Covenant Groupies,

As you all know, Kevin and I utilize our Friday's as our "Date Night's" and we'll incorporate so many things into our date nights to keep them fresh, fun and HOT! We'll starting tonight, the next three date nights will be spent in "Love Dare" workshops. Our Church's marriage ministry is hosting a 3-part workshop based on the film, "Fireproof" and the resource used in the movie, a book called, "Love Dare."

We will be exploring loving, honoring, respecting, forgiving and a host of other god-centered characteristics and how they will, not only strengthen our marriages, but stregnthen our hearst to "be" for our spouses even when we dont think they deserve it; even when they are reciprocating the same actions or feelings.

Hopefully, you've seen the film, but if you haven't, this resource challenged an unhappy, angry, non-Christian and verbally abusive husband to demonstrate a type of love he had never known to a wife thats slowly slipping away.

We are going to enjoy sharing with you all that God's doing with and throught us as we dare to do and be more for one another and others.

Open or Closed: Marriage Belongs to God

Hey Covenant Groupies,

You know each day I hear some of the most obscene things when it comes to marriage. Today, is no different. Today, I've learned that this coming Sunday during the Barbara Walters Oscar Special, Precious nominee, Mo'Nique speaks openly about her "open marriage" to her husband Sid. Read Below and share your thoughts.


On Sunday's Oscar Night edition of The Barbara Walters Special, the Precious star, 42, says that while she has "not had sex" outside her marriage to husband (and business manager) Sid Hicks, he is free to do so.

"Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That's not a deal-breaker," she says. "That's not something that would make us say, 'Pack your things and let's end the marriage."

And she says she wouldn't call it quits even if he had numerous flings.
"What if it's 20 times?" she asks. "So what? We've been best friends for over 25 years, and we truly know who we are. Oftentimes, people get into marriages and they don't know who they're laying next to. I'm very comfortable and secure with my husband."

So how does she keep her husband's interest?
"He loves the hairy legs,” she says, adding that she never shaves. "And if Sid likes the hairy legs, there you go ... I'm 42 and very hairy."

The one time she shaved her legs, "it was so uncomfortable and painful," she recalls. "I said, 'Never again would I do that to myself."

WHAT?????????

Are you kidding me? This is nasty. You can't redefine marriage and expect it not to backfire on you.

QUESTION OF THE DAY!

Hey Covenant Groupies,

As stupid, ridiculous and outrageous as this has been for Kevin and I to discuss with other couples and as it is for me to write and talk about anymore, unfortunately, we have found some actual Christian couples who believe that signing a pre-nup is ok. Of course we say NO!

What are your thoughts? What would you have done if you were presented with a prenup by your intended?

Marital Success – Conflict and “Fight Agreement” – Part #1

Hey Covenant Groupies,

This morning was a bit rough and reminiscent of an old pattern between Kevin and me. We went to a movie screening last night and Kevin thought he lost his wallet as he was preparing to leave this morning. As I sought to help him and asked him what he needed, he was asking me to call the theater, but he was mumbling and I asked him to repeat himself, he raised his voice at me and his tone was sharp. Literally, ten seconds later he found his wallet. I wasn’t angry as much as I was hurt. Here I was helping him and he took his frustrations out on me. I asked him not to speak to me that way, he didn’t apologize but all I need is to share my hurt. He acknowledged the moment, which works for me. I know my husband and I know that he knows that he was out of line. I don’t always need and apology as much as I need to speak and be heard.

Several years ago, this scene would have been severely different; it just would not have worked for me. I would really need to speak, yell and scream about being disrespected. And let him know how I wouldn’t tolerate his inconsideration. Of course, this was waaaaay before I understood how Kevin handles frustrations and deals with inconsistencies.

In the long run we realized that this didn’t work for either one of us. When I tell you that Kevin and I have come a very long way in how we argue, disagree and resolve our issues. There was a time when we’d argue and not speak for weeks on end. It’s a sad admission, but no one in our lives ever REALLY teaches us how to fight, apologize, empathize and resolve our issues as youngsters and teens and then when we become adults, we make it up as we go. Usually relegting God's commands for quick and immediate reslution a serious afterthought. More often than not we take a very arrogant stance to fight and a very passive position to resolve.

Needless to say, this is what we brought into our marriage as I’m quite sure you did as well. Yet, we knew that the Bible clearly outlines why we fight, how to fight and how to resolve all disagreements, but we avoided that because wouldn’t that mean we were losing if we apologized first or humbled ourselves and admitted our defeat? We’re taught to fight for our right to be right, but never to fight for love, peace and unity. To fight for love would prove a problem; we’d be abused, neglected, abandoned, betrayed, denied, misunderstand and so much more. So we go through life suppressing our feelings, raging out at any given moment and we’re left hurting others and ourselves.

We found that it’s so much more powerful to formulate a “Fight Agreement”; a proclamation that states how we’ll fight, what will be acceptable, what can be said and so forth. It proves to each of you that you want to live in a relationship that doesn’t burden the other person under critical judgement and becomes an environment that constantly says, “I love you,” “I care about you,” “You matter to me,” and “I respect you.”

There are some strategies that are guaranteed to work. Tune in Thursday March 4, 2010to see what they are.

2010 Blizzard: Our Spiritual Marker Moment

Hey Covenant Groupies,

This weekend Kevin and I were immersed in each other, not just because we wanted to be, but because we were snowed in. What a great excuse huh! We talked, watched movies, ate and talked some more. It was in the talking that we hit another spiritual marker in our relationship. We talked about EVERYTHING from our trying to have babies to infidelity. WHOA!! That was no joke!

We’ve always had conversations about babies and trying to have them, so this weekend was just an update on how we’ve been feeling when it comes to getting pregnant.
On the infidelity note, we’ve always had light conversations about it, because we never put ourselves in such a scenario. So, on Saturday we just happened to see an episode of the show “Cheaters.” After watching it and empathizing with the victim, we started discussing being put in the same position in past relationships, as well as being the betrayer. After talking over our possible responses to the infidelity, we agreed that we are both SUPER crazy when it comes to infidelity and we don’t take it lightly. We can totally understand some of the responses we’ve, either heard about or seen.

Then we hit the RED HOT button question: Have you ever considered cheating on me? We both asked the question. Who in their right mind would ask such a question? I guess a person who wants the truth and not so concerned about condemning the other person for being honest; a person wanting to give and receive freedom in their relationship.

Kevin then shared that during our really tough times, he’s considered it. I won’t lie to you, initially it hurt me badly to hear that he’s gone that far in his mind to even contemplate cheating on me. Why? Was life so difficult that that level of escapism was even a choice? I guess so – for him. However, we’ve live and loved based on honesty, so I shared that cheating has never crossed my mind. I know just how difficult marriage was for us for a time, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but infidelity has not been am option for me.

What I have come to love about what God has done with us is that we are so very honest with one another. Do I believe some things don’t slip through the cracks? No! But I do appreciate that Kevin feels safe enough to share something so powerful with me and not feel condemned; that he can walk away from the conversation with strength and dignity.

Never in my life would I ever think I’d enjoy talking about unfaithfulness with a smile on my face with no confrontation at all. This weekend was a true spiritual marker for us. Please allow one of God’s beautiful day to become one for you and your spouse.