Saturday, September 5, 2009

Marital Re-Assessment – Did I Marry the Wrong Person?

Hey Covenant Groupies,

To that question, I say yes & no. I suppose if we’d searched a little harder and looked a little longer, we could have and maybe would have married someone different; someone more compatible to us. I’m quite sure it would have been nice to have someone more sensitive, loving, warm, understanding, friendly, respectful, romantic, a better listener, but then what? What does that say, not only about our needs, but our expectations of someone else? What about our ability to be challenged, tested and loved by someone not quite like us? It’s easy to love us, but what about someone totally opposite? Our dream mate, on paper, may be the right choice for us, but are we the right person for them?

Too often we want what we don’t have and we refuse to become what we desire. We think if we could somehow mold and manipulate our mates’ characteristics before we commit to a serious relationship, we’d be content. This is simply not true, 1) because there is no such thing as a perfect mate and 2) because no one can choose a better life partner for us like God. No matter how many lists we’ve formulated detailing our perfect mate or even once we’re married, we can nag our spouse to be a better person - for us, but we all end up getting more of what we need than what we want regardless of whether we realize it or not. God makes sure of it!

As you all know, to me, Kevin is the BEST man for me; no one could ever take his place. But this was not always the case. Kevin and I were not attracted to one another when we first met because we, too, had lists and expectations based on past experiences. We had set up definitive barriers for the next people we dated. When we first married and the arguments succeeded the love, you couldn’t tell me that this marriage wasn’t a joke; that God was truly hookin’ me up with the wrong person. I knew for certain that I married the wrong person and I was angry.

The strain on what was perceived as my happiness forced me into prayer. I thought Kevin was going to get fixed while I prayed; how self-righteous of me. Actually, it was while in prayer that God revealed two very profound things to me; about me. 1) He said that, “In His eyes Kevin is perfect and I needed to see him that way as well.” I had seen Kevin as many things in our relationship, but never perfect. 2) Then God revealed how He loved me just the way I am, faults and all, and I needed to love Kevin exactly the same way; faults and all. These all were true, but the revelation about myself, was even bigger. I learned that out of my lack of respect and love for him that I had grown contemptuous towards Kevin, I lacked compassion and forgiveness, I easily spotted all of his faults and I set aside his feelings in lieu of acknowledging him as my good and honorable husband; the right man for me.

Selfishly, when things were not going well, I questioned whether he was the right man for me and he was most certainly right when “Things” were great. This was me denying my own responsibility in the relationship and the state that it was in. It was easier to make him the fall guy. I was making him responsible for what he was supposed to give and get from me; the love and the respect. However, I’ve learned from a biblical perspective, that the person I’d longed for in Kevin had to transpire in me first. I had to become “right” in order to get “right.” I had to be for him what he needed in order to received what I needed.

I guess you can say Kevin was the wrong person for me because he did not fit the expectations and lists I thought I desired; he was the wrong height, complexion, weight, you name it, but he is the right person because he fulfills every empty space in my life, he challenges me to be better, he has the heart that I need, the smile that I melts me, the humor that restores me and the strength that I just don’t have. He’s gentle when necessary, powerful always, committed, truthful, kind, merciful and loving. Needless to say, I’ve committed to always treat Kevin like he’s the right person – no matter what. As one poet writes, “Choose your love; then love your choice.”

In a nutshell, I guess, it’s our expectations that define our spouses as the right or wrong person.

1 comment:

Shannon said...

I am reminded of the story about the wise man and the wheat field. We really will not be able to stop searching for the "best", simply because the best person is anyone who we choose to be with.

Of course we always have to choose our partners with God's guidance. Christian pre-marriage workshops are there to help out and give guidance to those who are considering marriage.