Hey Covenant Groupies,
I did it ya'll. I watched the "Marriage Ref." I know, I know. What was I thinking right? When I was emailed the casting information last year, I had already resigned myself to not watch it. The synopsis was lackluster to me. Well, I broke down last week and watched it.
The first thing that bothered me was how in the introduction, the host makes the statement, "We're giving married couples what they've always wanted, A WINNER!" A What???? My thought was then, "If there's a winner, then obviously, then there would have to be a loser in the marriage, correct? Who wants to be looked at, feel like or believe that they are the loser in the marital relationship?"
The second issue was how these couples submit their delicate turmoils to this show and each week three celebrities, this evening they were, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld (Executive Producer) and Eva Longoria Parker, decide who's point should win and who's should lose. Once these celebrities begin the decision making process, if they takes too long, the host, who also serves as the referee makes the final decision who the winner is while the other half of the married couple tries to figure out exactly why they're the winner.
People, this is not how God has ordained marriage to be. Romans 6:17-18 says, ...Now you are from sin, your old master and you have become slaves to your new master, righteousness."
For me, this show partly personifies whats wrong with marriage, both christian and non-Christian. 1) the issues are set aside and allowed to fester in a maranade of bitterness, anger, resentment, to name a few, 2)Someone's always fighting to be the winner whether intentionally or unintentionally, manipulation will prevail because people who want to be the winner will get there by any means necessary and 3) How sinful, that we, God's children have taken on this attitude His Covenant and exemplify this to the world - regularly!
I don't know about you, but although we have great fun in our marriage and find many opportunites to laugh at and with one another, our issues must be taken seriously and reconciled between God, us and outside help when and only if necessary.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Our Mouth and Our Heart – What a Pair!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Hey Covenant Groupies,
Ok, so as you all know, we had our 1st Love Dare workshop this past Friday. I said I would report on the evening, but unfortunately, I can’t. We signed a confidentiality agreement and I can’t share anything Kevin and I discovered without infringing on everyone else’s privacy. And you know I won’t do that! Sorry guys.
So, onward we go. During my morning reading, prayer and study this morning, I was impressed by the Holy sprit to take a look at three very powerful scriptures. I know it had a great deal with the fact that Kevin and I didn’t have such a great start heading out to church yesterday. I said something in jest(I thought it was rather funny) and because he wasn’t in a good mood, he nearly bit my head off. He was snappy and his tone was very rude. Well, I “snyped” right back at him and almost instantly, despite what he said, I didn’t like what I said. It wasn’t profane but it was disrespectful and my tone was cutting.
The Bible says in Proverbs 18:21 – “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof” – KJV. At that very moment I had an opportunity to offer Kevin life but, instead, I chose death. At least that’s how I see it. He’s my husband; I shouldn’t have tried to hurt him. Unfortunately, that’s just what misguided feelings and emotions do. In Romans 6:13 it says, “Do not let any part of your body become a tool of wickedness to be used for sinning. Instead give yourselves completely to God since you have been given a new life. And use your whole body as a tool to do what is right for the glory of God.”
Several years ago a very dear friend and client, comedian John Gray, used to use this simple phrase, “pitch and tone, pitch and tone.” It was funny, but very serious at the same time. That is often how comedians relay their truth, right? In this case, it was and is God’s truth. We must be careful how we speak and respond to people in, both our personal and professional lives. It didn’t take long to see that John was actually helping to ignite an attitude of life in our hearts and ultimately our mouths. Yesterday, his phrase rang very loud in my head.
Because Jeremiah 17:9-10 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who knows it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I try (test) the reins (mind) even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings (deeds)."
With all this said, I guess what I’m getting to is this; yesterday, I was totally out of order, my heart was very available and open for sinning and my mouth brought it all home. As powerful a pair as these two are is as dangerous a pair as well. We haven’t discussed the “incident” yet, but we have some down time tonight and so we may. But, after being together so long, we do know when we have intentionally and unintentionally hurt one another, so sometimes all we have to do is look one another in the eyes, share a kiss, hold hands and continue our walk together; that’s how we found peace in our yesterday.
Stay tuned.
Ok, so as you all know, we had our 1st Love Dare workshop this past Friday. I said I would report on the evening, but unfortunately, I can’t. We signed a confidentiality agreement and I can’t share anything Kevin and I discovered without infringing on everyone else’s privacy. And you know I won’t do that! Sorry guys.
So, onward we go. During my morning reading, prayer and study this morning, I was impressed by the Holy sprit to take a look at three very powerful scriptures. I know it had a great deal with the fact that Kevin and I didn’t have such a great start heading out to church yesterday. I said something in jest(I thought it was rather funny) and because he wasn’t in a good mood, he nearly bit my head off. He was snappy and his tone was very rude. Well, I “snyped” right back at him and almost instantly, despite what he said, I didn’t like what I said. It wasn’t profane but it was disrespectful and my tone was cutting.
The Bible says in Proverbs 18:21 – “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof” – KJV. At that very moment I had an opportunity to offer Kevin life but, instead, I chose death. At least that’s how I see it. He’s my husband; I shouldn’t have tried to hurt him. Unfortunately, that’s just what misguided feelings and emotions do. In Romans 6:13 it says, “Do not let any part of your body become a tool of wickedness to be used for sinning. Instead give yourselves completely to God since you have been given a new life. And use your whole body as a tool to do what is right for the glory of God.”
Several years ago a very dear friend and client, comedian John Gray, used to use this simple phrase, “pitch and tone, pitch and tone.” It was funny, but very serious at the same time. That is often how comedians relay their truth, right? In this case, it was and is God’s truth. We must be careful how we speak and respond to people in, both our personal and professional lives. It didn’t take long to see that John was actually helping to ignite an attitude of life in our hearts and ultimately our mouths. Yesterday, his phrase rang very loud in my head.
Because Jeremiah 17:9-10 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who knows it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I try (test) the reins (mind) even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings (deeds)."
With all this said, I guess what I’m getting to is this; yesterday, I was totally out of order, my heart was very available and open for sinning and my mouth brought it all home. As powerful a pair as these two are is as dangerous a pair as well. We haven’t discussed the “incident” yet, but we have some down time tonight and so we may. But, after being together so long, we do know when we have intentionally and unintentionally hurt one another, so sometimes all we have to do is look one another in the eyes, share a kiss, hold hands and continue our walk together; that’s how we found peace in our yesterday.
Stay tuned.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Date Night - Spicing It Up!!!!
Hey Covenant Groupies,
As you all know, Kevin and I utilize our Friday's as our "Date Night's" and we'll incorporate so many things into our date nights to keep them fresh, fun and HOT! We'll starting tonight, the next three date nights will be spent in "Love Dare" workshops. Our Church's marriage ministry is hosting a 3-part workshop based on the film, "Fireproof" and the resource used in the movie, a book called, "Love Dare."
We will be exploring loving, honoring, respecting, forgiving and a host of other god-centered characteristics and how they will, not only strengthen our marriages, but stregnthen our hearst to "be" for our spouses even when we dont think they deserve it; even when they are reciprocating the same actions or feelings.
Hopefully, you've seen the film, but if you haven't, this resource challenged an unhappy, angry, non-Christian and verbally abusive husband to demonstrate a type of love he had never known to a wife thats slowly slipping away.
We are going to enjoy sharing with you all that God's doing with and throught us as we dare to do and be more for one another and others.
As you all know, Kevin and I utilize our Friday's as our "Date Night's" and we'll incorporate so many things into our date nights to keep them fresh, fun and HOT! We'll starting tonight, the next three date nights will be spent in "Love Dare" workshops. Our Church's marriage ministry is hosting a 3-part workshop based on the film, "Fireproof" and the resource used in the movie, a book called, "Love Dare."
We will be exploring loving, honoring, respecting, forgiving and a host of other god-centered characteristics and how they will, not only strengthen our marriages, but stregnthen our hearst to "be" for our spouses even when we dont think they deserve it; even when they are reciprocating the same actions or feelings.
Hopefully, you've seen the film, but if you haven't, this resource challenged an unhappy, angry, non-Christian and verbally abusive husband to demonstrate a type of love he had never known to a wife thats slowly slipping away.
We are going to enjoy sharing with you all that God's doing with and throught us as we dare to do and be more for one another and others.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Open or Closed: Marriage Belongs to God
Hey Covenant Groupies,
You know each day I hear some of the most obscene things when it comes to marriage. Today, is no different. Today, I've learned that this coming Sunday during the Barbara Walters Oscar Special, Precious nominee, Mo'Nique speaks openly about her "open marriage" to her husband Sid. Read Below and share your thoughts.
On Sunday's Oscar Night edition of The Barbara Walters Special, the Precious star, 42, says that while she has "not had sex" outside her marriage to husband (and business manager) Sid Hicks, he is free to do so.
"Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That's not a deal-breaker," she says. "That's not something that would make us say, 'Pack your things and let's end the marriage."
And she says she wouldn't call it quits even if he had numerous flings.
"What if it's 20 times?" she asks. "So what? We've been best friends for over 25 years, and we truly know who we are. Oftentimes, people get into marriages and they don't know who they're laying next to. I'm very comfortable and secure with my husband."
So how does she keep her husband's interest?
"He loves the hairy legs,” she says, adding that she never shaves. "And if Sid likes the hairy legs, there you go ... I'm 42 and very hairy."
The one time she shaved her legs, "it was so uncomfortable and painful," she recalls. "I said, 'Never again would I do that to myself."
WHAT?????????
Are you kidding me? This is nasty. You can't redefine marriage and expect it not to backfire on you.
You know each day I hear some of the most obscene things when it comes to marriage. Today, is no different. Today, I've learned that this coming Sunday during the Barbara Walters Oscar Special, Precious nominee, Mo'Nique speaks openly about her "open marriage" to her husband Sid. Read Below and share your thoughts.
On Sunday's Oscar Night edition of The Barbara Walters Special, the Precious star, 42, says that while she has "not had sex" outside her marriage to husband (and business manager) Sid Hicks, he is free to do so.
"Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That's not a deal-breaker," she says. "That's not something that would make us say, 'Pack your things and let's end the marriage."
And she says she wouldn't call it quits even if he had numerous flings.
"What if it's 20 times?" she asks. "So what? We've been best friends for over 25 years, and we truly know who we are. Oftentimes, people get into marriages and they don't know who they're laying next to. I'm very comfortable and secure with my husband."
So how does she keep her husband's interest?
"He loves the hairy legs,” she says, adding that she never shaves. "And if Sid likes the hairy legs, there you go ... I'm 42 and very hairy."
The one time she shaved her legs, "it was so uncomfortable and painful," she recalls. "I said, 'Never again would I do that to myself."
WHAT?????????
Are you kidding me? This is nasty. You can't redefine marriage and expect it not to backfire on you.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
QUESTION OF THE DAY!
Hey Covenant Groupies,
As stupid, ridiculous and outrageous as this has been for Kevin and I to discuss with other couples and as it is for me to write and talk about anymore, unfortunately, we have found some actual Christian couples who believe that signing a pre-nup is ok. Of course we say NO!
What are your thoughts? What would you have done if you were presented with a prenup by your intended?
As stupid, ridiculous and outrageous as this has been for Kevin and I to discuss with other couples and as it is for me to write and talk about anymore, unfortunately, we have found some actual Christian couples who believe that signing a pre-nup is ok. Of course we say NO!
What are your thoughts? What would you have done if you were presented with a prenup by your intended?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Marital Success – Conflict and “Fight Agreement” – Part #1
Hey Covenant Groupies,
This morning was a bit rough and reminiscent of an old pattern between Kevin and me. We went to a movie screening last night and Kevin thought he lost his wallet as he was preparing to leave this morning. As I sought to help him and asked him what he needed, he was asking me to call the theater, but he was mumbling and I asked him to repeat himself, he raised his voice at me and his tone was sharp. Literally, ten seconds later he found his wallet. I wasn’t angry as much as I was hurt. Here I was helping him and he took his frustrations out on me. I asked him not to speak to me that way, he didn’t apologize but all I need is to share my hurt. He acknowledged the moment, which works for me. I know my husband and I know that he knows that he was out of line. I don’t always need and apology as much as I need to speak and be heard.
Several years ago, this scene would have been severely different; it just would not have worked for me. I would really need to speak, yell and scream about being disrespected. And let him know how I wouldn’t tolerate his inconsideration. Of course, this was waaaaay before I understood how Kevin handles frustrations and deals with inconsistencies.
In the long run we realized that this didn’t work for either one of us. When I tell you that Kevin and I have come a very long way in how we argue, disagree and resolve our issues. There was a time when we’d argue and not speak for weeks on end. It’s a sad admission, but no one in our lives ever REALLY teaches us how to fight, apologize, empathize and resolve our issues as youngsters and teens and then when we become adults, we make it up as we go. Usually relegting God's commands for quick and immediate reslution a serious afterthought. More often than not we take a very arrogant stance to fight and a very passive position to resolve.
Needless to say, this is what we brought into our marriage as I’m quite sure you did as well. Yet, we knew that the Bible clearly outlines why we fight, how to fight and how to resolve all disagreements, but we avoided that because wouldn’t that mean we were losing if we apologized first or humbled ourselves and admitted our defeat? We’re taught to fight for our right to be right, but never to fight for love, peace and unity. To fight for love would prove a problem; we’d be abused, neglected, abandoned, betrayed, denied, misunderstand and so much more. So we go through life suppressing our feelings, raging out at any given moment and we’re left hurting others and ourselves.
We found that it’s so much more powerful to formulate a “Fight Agreement”; a proclamation that states how we’ll fight, what will be acceptable, what can be said and so forth. It proves to each of you that you want to live in a relationship that doesn’t burden the other person under critical judgement and becomes an environment that constantly says, “I love you,” “I care about you,” “You matter to me,” and “I respect you.”
There are some strategies that are guaranteed to work. Tune in Thursday March 4, 2010to see what they are.
This morning was a bit rough and reminiscent of an old pattern between Kevin and me. We went to a movie screening last night and Kevin thought he lost his wallet as he was preparing to leave this morning. As I sought to help him and asked him what he needed, he was asking me to call the theater, but he was mumbling and I asked him to repeat himself, he raised his voice at me and his tone was sharp. Literally, ten seconds later he found his wallet. I wasn’t angry as much as I was hurt. Here I was helping him and he took his frustrations out on me. I asked him not to speak to me that way, he didn’t apologize but all I need is to share my hurt. He acknowledged the moment, which works for me. I know my husband and I know that he knows that he was out of line. I don’t always need and apology as much as I need to speak and be heard.
Several years ago, this scene would have been severely different; it just would not have worked for me. I would really need to speak, yell and scream about being disrespected. And let him know how I wouldn’t tolerate his inconsideration. Of course, this was waaaaay before I understood how Kevin handles frustrations and deals with inconsistencies.
In the long run we realized that this didn’t work for either one of us. When I tell you that Kevin and I have come a very long way in how we argue, disagree and resolve our issues. There was a time when we’d argue and not speak for weeks on end. It’s a sad admission, but no one in our lives ever REALLY teaches us how to fight, apologize, empathize and resolve our issues as youngsters and teens and then when we become adults, we make it up as we go. Usually relegting God's commands for quick and immediate reslution a serious afterthought. More often than not we take a very arrogant stance to fight and a very passive position to resolve.
Needless to say, this is what we brought into our marriage as I’m quite sure you did as well. Yet, we knew that the Bible clearly outlines why we fight, how to fight and how to resolve all disagreements, but we avoided that because wouldn’t that mean we were losing if we apologized first or humbled ourselves and admitted our defeat? We’re taught to fight for our right to be right, but never to fight for love, peace and unity. To fight for love would prove a problem; we’d be abused, neglected, abandoned, betrayed, denied, misunderstand and so much more. So we go through life suppressing our feelings, raging out at any given moment and we’re left hurting others and ourselves.
We found that it’s so much more powerful to formulate a “Fight Agreement”; a proclamation that states how we’ll fight, what will be acceptable, what can be said and so forth. It proves to each of you that you want to live in a relationship that doesn’t burden the other person under critical judgement and becomes an environment that constantly says, “I love you,” “I care about you,” “You matter to me,” and “I respect you.”
There are some strategies that are guaranteed to work. Tune in Thursday March 4, 2010to see what they are.
Monday, March 1, 2010
2010 Blizzard: Our Spiritual Marker Moment
Hey Covenant Groupies,
This weekend Kevin and I were immersed in each other, not just because we wanted to be, but because we were snowed in. What a great excuse huh! We talked, watched movies, ate and talked some more. It was in the talking that we hit another spiritual marker in our relationship. We talked about EVERYTHING from our trying to have babies to infidelity. WHOA!! That was no joke!
We’ve always had conversations about babies and trying to have them, so this weekend was just an update on how we’ve been feeling when it comes to getting pregnant.
On the infidelity note, we’ve always had light conversations about it, because we never put ourselves in such a scenario. So, on Saturday we just happened to see an episode of the show “Cheaters.” After watching it and empathizing with the victim, we started discussing being put in the same position in past relationships, as well as being the betrayer. After talking over our possible responses to the infidelity, we agreed that we are both SUPER crazy when it comes to infidelity and we don’t take it lightly. We can totally understand some of the responses we’ve, either heard about or seen.
Then we hit the RED HOT button question: Have you ever considered cheating on me? We both asked the question. Who in their right mind would ask such a question? I guess a person who wants the truth and not so concerned about condemning the other person for being honest; a person wanting to give and receive freedom in their relationship.
Kevin then shared that during our really tough times, he’s considered it. I won’t lie to you, initially it hurt me badly to hear that he’s gone that far in his mind to even contemplate cheating on me. Why? Was life so difficult that that level of escapism was even a choice? I guess so – for him. However, we’ve live and loved based on honesty, so I shared that cheating has never crossed my mind. I know just how difficult marriage was for us for a time, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but infidelity has not been am option for me.
What I have come to love about what God has done with us is that we are so very honest with one another. Do I believe some things don’t slip through the cracks? No! But I do appreciate that Kevin feels safe enough to share something so powerful with me and not feel condemned; that he can walk away from the conversation with strength and dignity.
Never in my life would I ever think I’d enjoy talking about unfaithfulness with a smile on my face with no confrontation at all. This weekend was a true spiritual marker for us. Please allow one of God’s beautiful day to become one for you and your spouse.
This weekend Kevin and I were immersed in each other, not just because we wanted to be, but because we were snowed in. What a great excuse huh! We talked, watched movies, ate and talked some more. It was in the talking that we hit another spiritual marker in our relationship. We talked about EVERYTHING from our trying to have babies to infidelity. WHOA!! That was no joke!
We’ve always had conversations about babies and trying to have them, so this weekend was just an update on how we’ve been feeling when it comes to getting pregnant.
On the infidelity note, we’ve always had light conversations about it, because we never put ourselves in such a scenario. So, on Saturday we just happened to see an episode of the show “Cheaters.” After watching it and empathizing with the victim, we started discussing being put in the same position in past relationships, as well as being the betrayer. After talking over our possible responses to the infidelity, we agreed that we are both SUPER crazy when it comes to infidelity and we don’t take it lightly. We can totally understand some of the responses we’ve, either heard about or seen.
Then we hit the RED HOT button question: Have you ever considered cheating on me? We both asked the question. Who in their right mind would ask such a question? I guess a person who wants the truth and not so concerned about condemning the other person for being honest; a person wanting to give and receive freedom in their relationship.
Kevin then shared that during our really tough times, he’s considered it. I won’t lie to you, initially it hurt me badly to hear that he’s gone that far in his mind to even contemplate cheating on me. Why? Was life so difficult that that level of escapism was even a choice? I guess so – for him. However, we’ve live and loved based on honesty, so I shared that cheating has never crossed my mind. I know just how difficult marriage was for us for a time, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but infidelity has not been am option for me.
What I have come to love about what God has done with us is that we are so very honest with one another. Do I believe some things don’t slip through the cracks? No! But I do appreciate that Kevin feels safe enough to share something so powerful with me and not feel condemned; that he can walk away from the conversation with strength and dignity.
Never in my life would I ever think I’d enjoy talking about unfaithfulness with a smile on my face with no confrontation at all. This weekend was a true spiritual marker for us. Please allow one of God’s beautiful day to become one for you and your spouse.
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