Hey Covenant Groupies,
WOW, it's been the entire month of May and I haven't blogged. Yikes! I thought I had this thing down much better than to let an entire month slip away.
When I think of how much time the media has put into inviting us into the rumor mill that has become the Jon and Kate Gosselin infidelity saga, I find myself quickly drifting off. Not because I don’t care, but I just don’t care when it’s on. However when I recall the few times I did watch the show when it first aired I would cringe at how Kate would speak to Jon. He never responded until and unless it got really bad, then it was very ugly.
Don’t get me wrong I do understand that we all have our moments and sometimes speak in truly harsh, unconsciously brutal and blatantly rude ways to one another. But when do we stop and remember that the world does not revolve around us and we must make a serious effort to think of others before we speak, especially women? We are cruel with ours.
As an ex offender, nothing turns my stomach like a woman emasculating her man, especially in public, with her words. With me, it wasn’t intentional, I just knew nothing else. I was raised that way. If Kevin had remained quiet, I’d still be active in my disrespect.
I speak with such contempt because I have somewhat of an idea what a man feels when this type of cruelty is thrown their way. Kevin was very clear and detailed about the pain I caused, the distance it created and the anger that festered because he had no where to take his anger without becoming violent. Believe me, no one could have ever told me that I had the capabilities to hurt someone I loved so much with my words, which was actually laced with my own secret hurt.
Well, that’s the focus of our question of the day. How long should a husband allow his wife to speak to him in a disrespectful way? Should he confront it early, each time it happens, wait for the right moment or just take it- like many men do - and live with the anger and resentment?
If you’re a women who’s done/doing this, why? Have you ever confronted a friend or family about similar behavior?
Share tips and tools that have helped you with those still struggling with this
Let’s discuss.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Are We REALLY Ready for Marriage?
Hey Covenant Groupies,
Are we really ready for marriage?
Whether you’re single, engaged, newly married or seasoned in the exciting journey of matrimony, this question is posed to you - and me. Despite the simplicity of the question and the natural impulse to answer yes, there’s an urgent matter that needs to be addressed - perception vs. reality. To put it another way - happiness vs. holiness. To be clear, marriage is very good, because God said so. Marriage is serious, sacrificial, selfless and painful. Although these adjectives may read negative, they are some of the deepest areas of growth for each and every one of us - it’s where we choose to lay down our lives for someone else. The Bible tells us that these are some of the very things Jesus endured for all of us.
Too often, guided by the prospects we believe marriage to hold, we jump into marriage. Yes, literally jump into HOLY MATRIMONY praying, hoping and dreaming for some sort of perfection to manifest. We may deny it, because perfection is completely unattainable, but we’ve all gone through the fairytale stage. The wedding was perfect, the proposal was perfect, our spouse was once perfect and now there’s a desire to have a perfect marriage. Were we prepared for the reality, that even the most perfect spouse will fail us and the desire for a perfect marriage will NEVER hold a glimmer of perfection (complete) until God has total lordship over us and it?
However, as I said above, there’s an urgency in marriage and it becomes apparent when we face anything serious, uncomfortable, hurtful, tragic - anything that steals our happiness. Either we will use this as a time to hide and avoid or we will allow God to magnify His Holiness, not only in us but for us in EVERY situation. This all starts with understanding our need and desperation for God - for a Savior. Our acknowledgement of our lack can intensify His excellence. Are we willing to accept His role in our marriages?
We must be willing to admit that our Savior will use our spouse as an instrument to point out our shortcomings, the masks we wear, our awful habits and failures during the lifetime of our marriages. They will be the reflection we choose to believe as brutally honest and true or perceived. Can we handle that from another imperfect human?
There will be times of testing when our spouse will serve as the alter at which we must go to for compassion, forgiveness, and even repentance. We will find it difficult to apologize, ask forgiveness and repent for the wrongs we commit against them, yet our relationship with our life long partner is going to force humility out of us and point to the most authentic relationship we have with God and our mate.
For some reason we find it relatively easy to accept our spouse as our equal lifelong partner, yet we find it equally difficult to accept them as our primary accountability partner. We don’t want our spouses telling us who they truly see when they look at us, what they see when they see through us or what they experience when they interact with us. What will that feel like?
Marriage must be recognized for what it really it… a perpetual surgical process. At various times in the marriage, someone is undergoing a sterilization, a cutting open, a stitching and a healing. We will endure a refining process that God mercifully puts us through in order to develop a shiny new creation - continually.
Are we REALLY ready for MARRIAGE? Do you want happiness or holiness; perception or reality?
Are we really ready for marriage?
Whether you’re single, engaged, newly married or seasoned in the exciting journey of matrimony, this question is posed to you - and me. Despite the simplicity of the question and the natural impulse to answer yes, there’s an urgent matter that needs to be addressed - perception vs. reality. To put it another way - happiness vs. holiness. To be clear, marriage is very good, because God said so. Marriage is serious, sacrificial, selfless and painful. Although these adjectives may read negative, they are some of the deepest areas of growth for each and every one of us - it’s where we choose to lay down our lives for someone else. The Bible tells us that these are some of the very things Jesus endured for all of us.
Too often, guided by the prospects we believe marriage to hold, we jump into marriage. Yes, literally jump into HOLY MATRIMONY praying, hoping and dreaming for some sort of perfection to manifest. We may deny it, because perfection is completely unattainable, but we’ve all gone through the fairytale stage. The wedding was perfect, the proposal was perfect, our spouse was once perfect and now there’s a desire to have a perfect marriage. Were we prepared for the reality, that even the most perfect spouse will fail us and the desire for a perfect marriage will NEVER hold a glimmer of perfection (complete) until God has total lordship over us and it?
However, as I said above, there’s an urgency in marriage and it becomes apparent when we face anything serious, uncomfortable, hurtful, tragic - anything that steals our happiness. Either we will use this as a time to hide and avoid or we will allow God to magnify His Holiness, not only in us but for us in EVERY situation. This all starts with understanding our need and desperation for God - for a Savior. Our acknowledgement of our lack can intensify His excellence. Are we willing to accept His role in our marriages?
We must be willing to admit that our Savior will use our spouse as an instrument to point out our shortcomings, the masks we wear, our awful habits and failures during the lifetime of our marriages. They will be the reflection we choose to believe as brutally honest and true or perceived. Can we handle that from another imperfect human?
There will be times of testing when our spouse will serve as the alter at which we must go to for compassion, forgiveness, and even repentance. We will find it difficult to apologize, ask forgiveness and repent for the wrongs we commit against them, yet our relationship with our life long partner is going to force humility out of us and point to the most authentic relationship we have with God and our mate.
For some reason we find it relatively easy to accept our spouse as our equal lifelong partner, yet we find it equally difficult to accept them as our primary accountability partner. We don’t want our spouses telling us who they truly see when they look at us, what they see when they see through us or what they experience when they interact with us. What will that feel like?
Marriage must be recognized for what it really it… a perpetual surgical process. At various times in the marriage, someone is undergoing a sterilization, a cutting open, a stitching and a healing. We will endure a refining process that God mercifully puts us through in order to develop a shiny new creation - continually.
Are we REALLY ready for MARRIAGE? Do you want happiness or holiness; perception or reality?
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Salsa Dancing and Some Foundational Truths of a Covenant Marriage
Well Covenant Groupies,
Yes, I know it’s been a long time since my last post, but it has been extremely busy on my end. I do apologize.
I must fill you I on what happened last night with Kevin and me. We are core members of our churches’ marriage ministry, (M.O.R.E. - Ministry on Relationship Enrichment) and as we’re gearing up for our couple’s retreat in June, we planned a pre-retreat event. We decided to go Salsa dancing. Who woulda thunk the lessons learned from this historical and sexy dance would have been sincerely apropos for Christian marriages?
Our instructor was an amazing and fun woman named Meeka. Intentionally and carefully, she began to explain how we, men and women, are supposed hold, stand, look and move together. Obviously, that’s expected, right? However, you would have thought we were in church.
Meeka’s lesson had many nuggets in it, however, these are the one’s that stood out to me:
1) She began by teaching us the basic steps by ourselves. Obviously, we had to learn some things alone in order to then combine them with omeone else.
It made me think of who we were when we were single - we know our basics; what we like, what our expectations are, how we define life and relationships etc. In a nutshell, we do believe we know who we are and that's what we demand be accepted in a relationship.
2) Then she brought us together and showed us how to incorporate our basic steps so there’s fluidity with another person.
Far too often we bring individual/independent “Stuff” into our relationships and expect them to work - we miss the fluidity. We miss mny opportunities to relinquish that independent spirit.
3) Meeka then showed us how the man - “the leader” needs to lead and how the women - “the follower” needs to follow. (She specified, emphatically, that the leader CANNOT be the follower nor can the follower be the leader). It just won’t work and anyone watching you dance this way will immediately see the awkwardness.
We often learn in the Bible, in the church, in small groups etc. that each person in the marriage has a particular ole to play in order to live out the call that God has on the Covenant of marriage - otherwise it’s out of order - awkward.
4) We then learned how to properly hold one another. The man has to be, simultaneously, delicate and aggressive. He supports her and she holds on. He has to lead with authority in order that the women feels protected and able to move properly and freely. His movements are her guide. Although he cannot demand it or force her, he has to offer it because with his body and his eyes they communicate on the floor.
This becomes the problem for most of use women. We want to call the shots too. Not that we can’t share the proverbial load, but we can’t take our roles from our husbands and expect them to want to lead. We want to be able to guide, delegate and control some things in the relationship. We often feel that our husbands are supposed to hold on to us and only us.
5) We learned that a lot can and will be determined about the couple’s relationship by their successful or unsuccessful communication on the dance floor.
In order for a vision to have a successful outcome it begins with mutual agreement of all parties involved, a commitment to leadership and those who have partnered with their necessary abilities for the success of the vision and follow through from everyone. Without those ingredients, a lot can be determined about many marriages. Just look at the divorce rate of Christian marriages.
Needless to say, Salsa Date Night was so much fun and AMAZING!!!!!!!
Pictures to follow
Yes, I know it’s been a long time since my last post, but it has been extremely busy on my end. I do apologize.
I must fill you I on what happened last night with Kevin and me. We are core members of our churches’ marriage ministry, (M.O.R.E. - Ministry on Relationship Enrichment) and as we’re gearing up for our couple’s retreat in June, we planned a pre-retreat event. We decided to go Salsa dancing. Who woulda thunk the lessons learned from this historical and sexy dance would have been sincerely apropos for Christian marriages?
Our instructor was an amazing and fun woman named Meeka. Intentionally and carefully, she began to explain how we, men and women, are supposed hold, stand, look and move together. Obviously, that’s expected, right? However, you would have thought we were in church.
Meeka’s lesson had many nuggets in it, however, these are the one’s that stood out to me:
1) She began by teaching us the basic steps by ourselves. Obviously, we had to learn some things alone in order to then combine them with omeone else.
It made me think of who we were when we were single - we know our basics; what we like, what our expectations are, how we define life and relationships etc. In a nutshell, we do believe we know who we are and that's what we demand be accepted in a relationship.
2) Then she brought us together and showed us how to incorporate our basic steps so there’s fluidity with another person.
Far too often we bring individual/independent “Stuff” into our relationships and expect them to work - we miss the fluidity. We miss mny opportunities to relinquish that independent spirit.
3) Meeka then showed us how the man - “the leader” needs to lead and how the women - “the follower” needs to follow. (She specified, emphatically, that the leader CANNOT be the follower nor can the follower be the leader). It just won’t work and anyone watching you dance this way will immediately see the awkwardness.
We often learn in the Bible, in the church, in small groups etc. that each person in the marriage has a particular ole to play in order to live out the call that God has on the Covenant of marriage - otherwise it’s out of order - awkward.
4) We then learned how to properly hold one another. The man has to be, simultaneously, delicate and aggressive. He supports her and she holds on. He has to lead with authority in order that the women feels protected and able to move properly and freely. His movements are her guide. Although he cannot demand it or force her, he has to offer it because with his body and his eyes they communicate on the floor.
This becomes the problem for most of use women. We want to call the shots too. Not that we can’t share the proverbial load, but we can’t take our roles from our husbands and expect them to want to lead. We want to be able to guide, delegate and control some things in the relationship. We often feel that our husbands are supposed to hold on to us and only us.
5) We learned that a lot can and will be determined about the couple’s relationship by their successful or unsuccessful communication on the dance floor.
In order for a vision to have a successful outcome it begins with mutual agreement of all parties involved, a commitment to leadership and those who have partnered with their necessary abilities for the success of the vision and follow through from everyone. Without those ingredients, a lot can be determined about many marriages. Just look at the divorce rate of Christian marriages.
Needless to say, Salsa Date Night was so much fun and AMAZING!!!!!!!
Pictures to follow
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Solomon's Passionate and Consuming Love for God and His Woman
Well Covenant Groupies,
When it comes right down to it people, nothing can ever properly prepare you to read and absorb Song of Solomon. Recently, Kevin and I spent time with friends discussing some Marriage Matters: romance, conflict resolution, little foxes and eternal flames as it appears in this beautiful song. It was such an amazing experience to hear God speak about His aggressive and intentional love for His people, Christ and His Bride and the virtuous love between man and woman.
As I studied for our gathering, I was exhilarated by the passionate and consuming love these two had for one another. After studying, Kevin said to me, and I quote, “a brother gotta’ step up his game.” In no uncertain terms, that’s what this book unveils to you.
I think far too many people take this book lightly. It has the power to transform a couple. However, I believe literally what my pastor shared this past Sunday, and that is: you cannot go before God, for any reason, if you’re resistant to being changed - really changed. In other words, you can’t approach this book, or any book in the Bible for that matter frivolously. There’s got to be a desire for betterment; God’s betterment, no matter how much it hurts or requires of you.
Does your love of God, your spouse and your marriage mean more to you than your comfort?
When we worked on The Bible Experience, Denzel and Pauletta Washington read the entire book of Song of Solomon to one another. It was actually super sexy. If I can get my hands on the footage, I'll add it later. In the meantime, I've included an interview where they spoke about their experience reading this book.
Let me know your thoughts
When it comes right down to it people, nothing can ever properly prepare you to read and absorb Song of Solomon. Recently, Kevin and I spent time with friends discussing some Marriage Matters: romance, conflict resolution, little foxes and eternal flames as it appears in this beautiful song. It was such an amazing experience to hear God speak about His aggressive and intentional love for His people, Christ and His Bride and the virtuous love between man and woman.
As I studied for our gathering, I was exhilarated by the passionate and consuming love these two had for one another. After studying, Kevin said to me, and I quote, “a brother gotta’ step up his game.” In no uncertain terms, that’s what this book unveils to you.
I think far too many people take this book lightly. It has the power to transform a couple. However, I believe literally what my pastor shared this past Sunday, and that is: you cannot go before God, for any reason, if you’re resistant to being changed - really changed. In other words, you can’t approach this book, or any book in the Bible for that matter frivolously. There’s got to be a desire for betterment; God’s betterment, no matter how much it hurts or requires of you.
Does your love of God, your spouse and your marriage mean more to you than your comfort?
When we worked on The Bible Experience, Denzel and Pauletta Washington read the entire book of Song of Solomon to one another. It was actually super sexy. If I can get my hands on the footage, I'll add it later. In the meantime, I've included an interview where they spoke about their experience reading this book.
Let me know your thoughts
Monday, March 2, 2009
QUESTION OF THE DAY!
In your marriage, have you been more God-centered or spouse centered? Example: Have you been more concerned with bringing God's Kingdom into your home and the life of your spouse or have you been more concerned with changing your spouse?
Focus On Marriage Simulcast Conference
Hey Marriage Groupies,
So sorry for the long delay. I have been so swamped and blogging was the last thing I could muster up the strength to do. This, however, is something I must share.
This past Saturday, Kevin, Yadira (our really good friend and mother of our God-son Josiah) and I went to an all-day marriage conference that was simulcast in about 500 churches. Created by Focus on the Family Ministries, “Focus on Marriage: Seeing Your marriage through the Eyes of God” was shown to over 70, 000 people; couples and singles were engaged by the wonderful teachings of Gary Thomas author of “Sacred Marriage“ (To date my favorite book on the Covenant of marriage), Gary Smalley author of “Change Your Heart Change Your Life“, Beth Moore author of “Believing God“, Del Tackett author of “Truth Project“, and John Trent author of “The 2 Degree Difference.”
We know of and truly admire the two “Gary’s”, but we weren’t familiar with the other three. WHAT AN AMAZING RIDE! These five speakers, teachers, apostles - whatever you choose to call them were raw, transparent, visual and completely thorough. We walked out of there wanting more for our marriage and one another.
We covered everything from: Bringing the Kingdom in your home, being God-centered instead of spouse-centered, submission being the ability for women learning to duck so God can hit the husband, the divinity of our marriage relationship to beliefs and their power to influence us towards God’s will or the enemy’s will. Whoa!!! It was refreshing to hear perspectives from people married everywhere from 25 to 45 years.
If they do this again, and I’m sure they will, please find a local church and go. You will not leave there as when you came. With an open mind, heart and eyes, the power that only God can give and the willingness to be transformed, you won’t regret it.
There are no videos up of the conference yet, but as soon as they're available, I post them. It's an experience like no other.
Visit: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/ to find out more.
So sorry for the long delay. I have been so swamped and blogging was the last thing I could muster up the strength to do. This, however, is something I must share.
This past Saturday, Kevin, Yadira (our really good friend and mother of our God-son Josiah) and I went to an all-day marriage conference that was simulcast in about 500 churches. Created by Focus on the Family Ministries, “Focus on Marriage: Seeing Your marriage through the Eyes of God” was shown to over 70, 000 people; couples and singles were engaged by the wonderful teachings of Gary Thomas author of “Sacred Marriage“ (To date my favorite book on the Covenant of marriage), Gary Smalley author of “Change Your Heart Change Your Life“, Beth Moore author of “Believing God“, Del Tackett author of “Truth Project“, and John Trent author of “The 2 Degree Difference.”
We know of and truly admire the two “Gary’s”, but we weren’t familiar with the other three. WHAT AN AMAZING RIDE! These five speakers, teachers, apostles - whatever you choose to call them were raw, transparent, visual and completely thorough. We walked out of there wanting more for our marriage and one another.
We covered everything from: Bringing the Kingdom in your home, being God-centered instead of spouse-centered, submission being the ability for women learning to duck so God can hit the husband, the divinity of our marriage relationship to beliefs and their power to influence us towards God’s will or the enemy’s will. Whoa!!! It was refreshing to hear perspectives from people married everywhere from 25 to 45 years.
If they do this again, and I’m sure they will, please find a local church and go. You will not leave there as when you came. With an open mind, heart and eyes, the power that only God can give and the willingness to be transformed, you won’t regret it.
There are no videos up of the conference yet, but as soon as they're available, I post them. It's an experience like no other.
Visit: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/ to find out more.
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