70 Days to 10 Years... Let the Countdown Begin

Happy Friday Covenant Groupies,

Today is truly a special day!!!!! This is the day that set our entire life together in motion.

10 years ago today, November 16, 2002, Kevin and I, an engaged couple, went on a double date with a married couple from church. We didn't know them very well, but they were incredibly warm, kind and loving to us.

It was a night of bowling, fun, fellowship and then dinner. It was at dinner that Kevin was asked a question that changed our lives forever! I'll make it short and to the point.

It's not like we hadn't heard the question before or hadn't discussed the question, hadn't contemplated the question before or even argued over the question before. What made the question different on this night was that we had just had an amazingly huge argument the night before about this very question, I was still angry at Kevin's and God was going to perform a miracle based on that question alone. 

Oh, what was the question? I had asked Kevin when were we getting married? We had discussed it so much and we were VERY clear that we were supposed to get married, however, setting a date was moving slowly. His answer was drawing out, I was frustrated and we had completed pre-marital counseling. I was patient and I didn't want to harass him about it. When I asked on this Friday evening, we were enjoying a beautiful Manhattan drive and I thought it would be a great time to revisit.

When something matters to God it will be brought to light, it will be made known whether privately or publicly. You will either like it or not. It just so happened that when we sat down to dinner, Larry asked Kevin when he was going to make me an honest woman. Kevin just threw out a date, January 21, 2003 is when we were getting married. I asked him if he even knew when that was. Turns out, it was a Tuesday. Kevin responded, "What's the following Saturday?" I said, "January 25th. Kevin said, "Then that's it. That's the day we're getting married. 

That was it. That was how we decided on a date. 

Larry and Carol were definitely used on that night and this is how we started our magnificent journey of Covenant Marriage.

Once we left the restaurant, Kevin and I began to plan our wedding. We actually started to plan and God didn't laugh; instead, He smiled upon us and has been doing so ever since.

Today actually marks the 70 days it took for us to plan our entire wedding from start to finish. Neither one of us had ever planned a wedding and never did we think that we could accomplish everything, but we did - plus more. We were the recipients of so many of God's blessings over those 70 days. He showed us what the benefits of obedience will garner those who love and trust Him.

Each day, for the next 70 days, until our 10 Anniversary, we'll take you on the beautiful journey that was to begin our Covenant marriage. We'll share those incredible blessings, valuable lessons we've learned and what we look forward to in the future.

No Marriage License - Covenant Agreement ONLY!

Hey Covenant Groupies,

Happy Monday! Today is an amazingly beautiful day - just because. I wanted to share something different today. This is a video of a couple getting married without all the fanfare; we've seen that before, no HUGE reception; we've seen that before, simple attire; we've even seen that before, but maybe we've not seen a marriage where the couple doesn't sign a marriage license, but a marriage Covenant ONLY!

Check this out and let us know your thoughts.

Covenant Marriage: Can you upgrade to it?

Hey Covenant Groupies,

How ya'll doin? I am still on a high from the amazing Anniversary weekend, which ended yesterday. Lord, I love that man!!!!!!

Anyhoo, on to our post. I found this the other day and thought this would be of great interest to you. The Government has given Covenant Marriages a start date, place, reasons to dissolve marriage and current year. What?????????

Covenant Marriage: An Upgrade on 'Regular' Marriage


When a man and a woman are ready to make a commitment to one another they take the final step, marriage.

Or at least that used to be the only option. Now they can choose to have a marriage (including civil and religious), or a covenant marriage.

Most people know what a marriage entails, a man and a woman of age are joined in a legal contract that can be broken by either party. There are benefits to taking such a step, including tax benefits, government benefits and employment benefits.

What additional benefits are there for a covenant marriage? More tax breaks? Additional government/employment benefits? Not quite.

What then is the reason for covenant marriages? It is intended to fight divorce, renew commitment, and "strengthen families." A covenant marriage is more difficult to dissolve than a "regular" marriage. An existing marriage can be "upgraded" to a Covenant Marriage.

There are 8 reasons a court can grant a divorce to a couple in a covenant marriage.
1. A spouse commits adultery.
2. A spouse commits a felony committed and sentenced to death or imprisonment.
3. A spouse abandoned by the other for at least 1 year before filing
4. Physical or sexual abuse of spouse, child, a relative of either spouse permanently living with them, or domestic violence/emotional abuse.
5. The spouses have been living separate and apart continuously without reconciliation for at least two years before the filing for divorce.
6. The spouses have been living separate and apart continuously without reconciliation for at least one year from the date of a legal separation.
7. A spouse has habitually abused drugs or alcohol.
8. The husband and wife both agree to a dissolution of marriage.
The reasons for a legal separation are a little different, but also limited.

In addition to the normal regulations for marriage, a couple wishing to enter a covenant marriage must receive pre-marital counseling from a member of the clergy or a marriage counselor, and sign a "declaration" indicating their intent.

The declaration reads as follows:
We solemnly declare that marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman who agree to live together as husband and wife for as long as they both live. We have chosen each other carefully and have received premarital counseling on the nature, purposes and responsibilities of marriage. We understand that a covenant marriage is for life. If we experience marital difficulties, we commit ourselves to take all reasonable efforts to preserve our marriage, including marital counseling.

Covenant marriages (in the U.S.) started in Louisiana in 1987, and have since spread to Arizona and Arkansas.

Inseparable: If God Seems Distant, Guess Who Made the First Move?

When I reflect on the word “inseparable” – impossible to separate, part, or disjoin, it somehow comforts me. I feel that I can rest safely in the fact that respecting, loving and honoring Kevin the way that I’m supposed to will not be left solely up to “messed up” me. I have a bridge, a connector and a mediator that affords me the power to do the impossible; and that He would never leave me.

It brings mind John 15:4-5 - Remain in me, and I will remain in you…5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

I know this scripture is about bearing fruit in the Kingdom, but aren’t we called to bear fruit in our marriages as well? Trees have no shame, when the roots are healthy and properly managed they grow and bear witness to its purpose; to produce apples, oranges, grapes etc. Likewise, when a marriages’ foundation is strong it is supposed to bear the likeness of Christ; compassion, love, hope, Grace, Mercy, forgiveness etc. This cannot happen if we part from God.

As I prepared to write this blog, I thought of what this word inseparable meant to me as a Christian wife and other three words came to mind: surrender, submission and service. Since rededicating my life back to Christ in 1998, these words have remained in my face, because I refused to allow them to deny me of who I had become.

Accepting surrender, honoring submission and respecting true service were the three areas God so mercifully chose to work on in me first when I was getting married. I can’t feign ignorance when pondering why these particular three. They had me bound. They were very familiar as the distinctive areas to steer clear of when getting married. In my mind, they were the polar opposites of strength, independence and control.

I got married truly believing that I had a knowledgeable handle on marriage, based solely on what I saw, not what I had experienced.

I have to surmise that surrender was first because I had somewhat of a normal upbringing for a little black girl in an urban neighborhood: Strong & Independent. As we all know, there’s no true surrender found in independence. So, I had to be broken. It was painful, unfamiliar and scary, but it was freeing.

Submission was next because being the only girl between two boys; I had a severe case of tunnel vision (self imposed of course). I neither wanted to listen to or be instructed by anyone and I had begun to discover that I had no respect for men after my dad passed away. In no uncertain terms, whoever was called to be my husband would, most certainly, have a difficult time with me.

Service was last I guess because a surrendered heart and divinely acknowledged submission would lead to a life of servitude. Who knew?

God had me add those three words in our living room as part of our decorative scheme as a reminder. Now I could be embarrassed by it or I could allow it to do it good work and constantly remind me of who God has called be to be; a women who will always be committed to surrendering and submitting my will and my way to Him and Kevin. This will then lead to a heart that’s available to serve both God and Kevin lovingly and sacrificially.

YES, it has become a great conversation starter.

How do you remain inseparable?

SORRY ABOUT THE PHOTO!

Are We REALLY Ready for Marriage?

Hey Covenant Groupies,

Are we really ready for marriage?

Whether you’re single, engaged, newly married or seasoned in the exciting journey of matrimony, this question is posed to you - and me. Despite the simplicity of the question and the natural impulse to answer yes, there’s an urgent matter that needs to be addressed - perception vs. reality. To put it another way - happiness vs. holiness. To be clear, marriage is very good, because God said so. Marriage is serious, sacrificial, selfless and painful. Although these adjectives may read negative, they are some of the deepest areas of growth for each and every one of us - it’s where we choose to lay down our lives for someone else. The Bible tells us that these are some of the very things Jesus endured for all of us.

Too often, guided by the prospects we believe marriage to hold, we jump into marriage. Yes, literally jump into HOLY MATRIMONY praying, hoping and dreaming for some sort of perfection to manifest. We may deny it, because perfection is completely unattainable, but we’ve all gone through the fairytale stage. The wedding was perfect, the proposal was perfect, our spouse was once perfect and now there’s a desire to have a perfect marriage. Were we prepared for the reality, that even the most perfect spouse will fail us and the desire for a perfect marriage will NEVER hold a glimmer of perfection (complete) until God has total lordship over us and it?

However, as I said above, there’s an urgency in marriage and it becomes apparent when we face anything serious, uncomfortable, hurtful, tragic - anything that steals our happiness. Either we will use this as a time to hide and avoid or we will allow God to magnify His Holiness, not only in us but for us in EVERY situation. This all starts with understanding our need and desperation for God - for a Savior. Our acknowledgement of our lack can intensify His excellence. Are we willing to accept His role in our marriages?

We must be willing to admit that our Savior will use our spouse as an instrument to point out our shortcomings, the masks we wear, our awful habits and failures during the lifetime of our marriages. They will be the reflection we choose to believe as brutally honest and true or perceived. Can we handle that from another imperfect human?

There will be times of testing when our spouse will serve as the alter at which we must go to for compassion, forgiveness, and even repentance. We will find it difficult to apologize, ask forgiveness and repent for the wrongs we commit against them, yet our relationship with our life long partner is going to force humility out of us and point to the most authentic relationship we have with God and our mate.

For some reason we find it relatively easy to accept our spouse as our equal lifelong partner, yet we find it equally difficult to accept them as our primary accountability partner. We don’t want our spouses telling us who they truly see when they look at us, what they see when they see through us or what they experience when they interact with us. What will that feel like?

Marriage must be recognized for what it really it… a perpetual surgical process. At various times in the marriage, someone is undergoing a sterilization, a cutting open, a stitching and a healing. We will endure a refining process that God mercifully puts us through in order to develop a shiny new creation - continually.

Are we REALLY ready for MARRIAGE? Do you want happiness or holiness; perception or reality?

Salsa Dancing and Some Foundational Truths of a Covenant Marriage

Well Covenant Groupies,

Yes, I know it’s been a long time since my last post, but it has been extremely busy on my end. I do apologize.

I must fill you I on what happened last night with Kevin and me. We are core members of our churches’ marriage ministry, (M.O.R.E. - Ministry on Relationship Enrichment) and as we’re gearing up for our couple’s retreat in June, we planned a pre-retreat event. We decided to go Salsa dancing. Who woulda thunk the lessons learned from this historical and sexy dance would have been sincerely apropos for Christian marriages?

Our instructor was an amazing and fun woman named Meeka. Intentionally and carefully, she began to explain how we, men and women, are supposed hold, stand, look and move together. Obviously, that’s expected, right? However, you would have thought we were in church.

Meeka’s lesson had many nuggets in it, however, these are the one’s that stood out to me:

1) She began by teaching us the basic steps by ourselves. Obviously, we had to learn some things alone in order to then combine them with omeone else.
It made me think of who we were when we were single - we know our basics; what we like, what our expectations are, how we define life and relationships etc. In a nutshell, we do believe we know who we are and that's what we demand be accepted in a relationship.

2) Then she brought us together and showed us how to incorporate our basic steps so there’s fluidity with another person.
Far too often we bring individual/independent “Stuff” into our relationships and expect them to work - we miss the fluidity. We miss mny opportunities to relinquish that independent spirit.

3) Meeka then showed us how the man - “the leader” needs to lead and how the women - “the follower” needs to follow. (She specified, emphatically, that the leader CANNOT be the follower nor can the follower be the leader). It just won’t work and anyone watching you dance this way will immediately see the awkwardness.
We often learn in the Bible, in the church, in small groups etc. that each person in the marriage has a particular ole to play in order to live out the call that God has on the Covenant of marriage - otherwise it’s out of order - awkward.

4) We then learned how to properly hold one another. The man has to be, simultaneously, delicate and aggressive. He supports her and she holds on. He has to lead with authority in order that the women feels protected and able to move properly and freely. His movements are her guide. Although he cannot demand it or force her, he has to offer it because with his body and his eyes they communicate on the floor.
This becomes the problem for most of use women. We want to call the shots too. Not that we can’t share the proverbial load, but we can’t take our roles from our husbands and expect them to want to lead. We want to be able to guide, delegate and control some things in the relationship. We often feel that our husbands are supposed to hold on to us and only us.

5) We learned that a lot can and will be determined about the couple’s relationship by their successful or unsuccessful communication on the dance floor.
In order for a vision to have a successful outcome it begins with mutual agreement of all parties involved, a commitment to leadership and those who have partnered with their necessary abilities for the success of the vision and follow through from everyone. Without those ingredients, a lot can be determined about many marriages. Just look at the divorce rate of Christian marriages.

Needless to say, Salsa Date Night was so much fun and AMAZING!!!!!!!

Pictures to follow

Why This Title for The Blog?

Hey Gang,

Welcome to One Marriage Three People. We're in for a fun ride.

There are 2 Reasons for the title:

1) “Believing that marriage is a covenant intended by God to be a lifelong fruitful relationship between a man and a woman, we vow to God, to each other, our families and our community to remain steadfast in unconditional love, reconciliation and sexual purity, while purposefully growing in our covenant marriage relationship.”

2) One Marriage Three People - It’s ambiguous and seemingly suspect because it has to be. It speaks to what a marriage it truly supposed to be despite what your upbringing, friends & family and past relationships have revealed to you. It rather easy to bring all of the dysfunction from our former lives into our marriages and expect our spouse to just get on board. Let me know how that works our for you.

We must refrain from trying to force some of our misguided perspectives on our spouse, but instead, be willing to be remolded by God.

The joining of man and woman is a curious mystery. It’s a Covenant created by God for His glory. The Covenant of marriage is one unit and in that unit you have the husband, the wife and God. That’s the message we want to drive home on this blog. How many people REALLY look at marriage that way? I remember standing face to face with my husband-to-be, on our beautiful wedding day, thinking how absolutely happy I was that we took pre-marital counseling. It was so necessary. It was the perfect start, yet it could not have prepared Kevin and me for many of the things we were soon to encounter. However, our foundation and truth was in God and not in our parents, friends, TV, magazines etc. Otherwise, I would have ruined this man’s life and he could have possibly ruined mine.

According one of my favorite authors, Mr. Phil Waugh - “Couple’s its imperative that we understand the purpose of marriage from God’s perspective; the promise of God to be with us; the power of God to enable us; the Peace of God to sustain us; the protection of God for those of us who rest in Him; the provisions of God flowing through us – not only to each other, but to others as well; the pleasure that God desires for us to experience as a couple; and the perseverance God provides to keep us moving from a mundane marriage to an extraordinary one.”

Author Gary Thomas shares, “God’s purpose for marriage is not merely our personal happiness, but that our marriages reflect His image and point people to Him. Our marriages must seek to model God’s sacrificial, gracious and committed love in our daily lives. We must, as couples, seek to understand the ministry of marriage and all of its categories of life altering topics. As we do this, we must commit ourselves to depend on God’s enabling power and love to help us live out His purposeful design for marriage.”