Saturday, November 10, 2012

Marital Intimacy without Conflict...Not Possible!

Good Day Covenant Groupies,

This post is like two weeks behind. We've been so swamped with our Bible project client that posting began to take a back seat; we've committed that this would not start all over again. Remember, the last time that happened, almost two years went by without a post - Not again LOL!!!!

Today's post is below:

Conflict is good! Yes, I am definitive about that statement. Why? Because I've witnessed amazing things happen when people have the opportunity to share their deepest hurts, pains and uncertainties in relationships. Kevin and I are apart of that group of people.

It was neither easy nor comfortable getting there because society and even our parents have taught us that we are to "make nice" with everyone, try to minimize conflict, because it's just not right. However, our Christian faith tells us that conflict is good, healthy and necessary in order to get to a place of truth, transparency and wholeness.

Hubby and I met a gentleman recently who shared with us that he has been married for 20 years. Now you all know 20 years is like amazing to us because we just love marriage and understand the work it takes to stay married 1 year much less 20 years.

During our discussion with the man, what shocked us was the fact that he said that he and his wife have never had a conflict - had never fought and had never argued.

Seriously, how is that possible? Day to day issues arise, spending time, lacking energy, children and a myriad of other issues will peer their ugly heads in marriage. As well, you simply cannot bring two imperfect people together in a marriage, in a union, becoming one and there are no arguments. That's just impossible!

Part of Gods intention for marriage was to bring two imperfect people together - shake things up - to show us who He intends for us to be, both individually and maritally. We are to come together in a broken state and be made one, be made whole as a couple. You can't do that without differences of opinions, arguments, strife etc.

What Kevin and I have learned over the years is that one of the most brilliant paths to intimacy is conflict. No where else can there lie the truth of who we are, how we feel, what hurts us, how much someone truly means to us, plus so much more.

Learning that was very difficult for me, because once again, no one had taught me how to live, love, be sad, unsure, confused or mad in marriage. I was ALWAYS given the impression that marriage was perfect and the two people in the marriage were just as perfect. Those couples that I had seen never appeared to have any imperfections. So, when I sought my own way early on in marriage, you can best believe, it did not fair well with Kevin.

The gentleman that we met really sparked some interesting conversations between Kevin and I about the many conflicts we've faced over the years, how we had to LEARN to fight and disagree in marriage and how incredibly close we are because we didn't run from them.

Couples, let's not run from conflict, instead let's seek to understand how to be in conflict, have our feelings hurt, hurt some feelings, learn to listen, respect and honor our spouse in the moment and so on. We aren't taught how to properly disagree in marriage without, so often, having a win-lose mentality, which forces us to run from what awaits, especially if we feel that we can't win.

Are we really willing to win, so badly, in order that our spouse loses or will we be willing to risk it all lay it on the line and open up some new doors of intimacy?

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